A Letter To My Twenties (Age 22)

One month down for my Birthday project! If you just tuned in please go back and start with Age 19.

Age 22

Age 21 was about my mental decline, age 22 became more about my physical health. First it started with the migraines and brain fog, Like I was always half awake. As a senior in college it was understandable to be stressed out with hardely any sleep or homemade meals. I was advised to carry around water and snacks with me at all times. Everything from crackers to cookies or baggies of cereal. It did help for a bit but never got rid of how I felt completely. One day I had woken up feeling incredibly weird and different. I didn't understand basic questions like "whats the weather like?", "whats your name?", "How are you?". All the stress had finally burst a blood vessel in one eye and thats when I decided another visit to the college nurse was needed. Having Von Williebrands Disease (hemophilia) I was immediately rushed to long island hospital to get my odd symptoms and eye checked out.

Now being dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes for an art student didn't get me the greatest treatment. It wasn't until all drug tests came back negative that they started to listen to me. Even then I felt forgotten. It was busy so my cot was in the hallway. They a took few blood tests and left me there while my boyfriend at the time flirted with a girl at the reception desk. At that moment something changed. The world blurred around me and my body suddenly felt like it was on fire. The best comparison I could think of is when you drink too much and feel like your going to puke. It was the heat right before you get sick but I never got sick. My skin and insides burned and burned. It consumed me till there was nothing but darkness. I forgot everything at that moment accept my grandmother. I talked to her for hours in a beautiful garden in front of my childhood house. It was covered in vegetables and roses. All I remember her asking me is, "why are you treating yourself like this?" When I woke up I felt an overwhelming feeling of peacefulness and complete calm. I had a breathing mask on with about ten doctors above me and heart monitors covering my head to my toes. I wasn't scared, just present. I then had a brain scan just in case they had missed a possible brain aneurism. They found nothing and eventually I had signed a form consenting to my release against the doctors advice. I guess that was that. 

I thought A lot about what this experience had taught me. Im glad I had a boyfriend at the time to stay with me through that scary night. At the same time I didn't appreciate him spreading the word of his heroic efforts in coping with my illness. It hadn't made me appreciate life more ether. After writing this blog post out I realized what its purpose was. I think my grandmother had given me the confidence and peace I needed to finish school and move to the next part of my life. I never really found out what caused my seizure. Looking back at all the wheat, barely, rye, malt and gluten I ate I think I have an idea but it will always be a small mystery.